I Desire to Know YOU More

The happenings lately were getting close to depressing that when my bestfriend asked that we have midnight dinner, I obliged.

And it was worth it. Thanks Tine... for making me cry. :) Hehe.

Our conversations would usually start with comments on each other's weight. Buti na lang this time, ako yung pumayat. :p

And then, biglang serious yung topic. Tine went to worship last Sunday. She was touched by the pastor's sharing that she decided to share the preaching to me too.

The pastor shares...

He was driving one time when somebody knocked on his window. He pulled down his window enough that he would be able to give some change to the child.

When he reached his destination, he went on to park his car. While parking, somebody knocked on his window again. It was a friend who he hasn't seen for years. He gladly got out of his car and had a nice chat with that person.

Reflection...

When the child knocked on his window, he was asking for the man's blessing. The change was given to him, but he only saw the hand of the giver.

The man did not ask to see his friend, but it was indeed a blessing that he saw him that day.

When we pray, we ask for God's blessing. When our prayers our answered, sometimes, what we see is just His hand, or His blessing. We do not seek Him. We do not desire to know who our Giver was.

Ouch! Dun ako naiyak. Haha, actually sabay kami naiyak. And so, there we were in McDo El Pueblo, midnight, nag-iyakan. Konti lang naman.

Guilty! I have been accepting His blessings, but I have failed to know Him. I am a little too emotional lately maybe because I feel empty... maybe because I am missing Him.

Dear Lord, thank you for loving me though I know that my life is not as perfect as Your love for me. I seek for Your love and I desire to know YOU more.

Mai's VMS... and accepting my role

Background: VMS is THE project that brought out the best and the worst in me and my officemates. The project that made some of us cry... in anger, in frustration, sobrang pagod... During the final month, every week may overnight sa office. Actually, wala ngang uwian eh. I, for one, stayed in the office for 42 straight hours! I just went to the gym to use the bathroom! Hehe. If you think that's crazy, there are at least 2 more people who spent time in the office longer than I did!

Mai wasn't actually part of that project.

At the start of 2009, she was given one project which she needed to finish in 2 weeks... all by herself! Ayun, nag-ala VMS si Mai. This week, 3 straight days na nag-overnight sa office.

Ok...mejo confusing yung previous sentence. Unlike in VMS where we stayed in the office, Mai would stay up to very early in the morning then go back to the office by lunchtime. First time, 230am umuwi. 2nd day, 545am. Third day, 510am naman. I accompanied her on the 2nd and 3rd days. Sakit sa ulo! On the third day, I witnessed her rattle. Nung VMS days, if someone panics, nakikisabay ako.. hehe. This time, I stayed cool. I had to be the calming force. And that's when I finally made peace with my role.

With my first employer, my officemates were of my age. So pare-pareho kami ng trip. It was just a lot fun... parang college or highschool lang. In the office, we'd pass our deliverables at the end of the day... very structured kase yung process non. Outside the office, bonding time with officemates.

With my second employer, I was one of the younger ones. Mejo spoiled by my "ate's" and "kuya's"... I had my mentors teaching me about work and life. I actually enjoyed my stay here kase most of my life, I am the "ate". Oldest girl sa magkakapatid and magpipinsan. That's not going to change. The office environment was a welcome change kase feeling ko bunso ako. I enjoyed being taken care of.

With my current employer, iba na naman environment. I was hung-over the feeling of being "bunso", I wasn't ready yet to be the "senior" one. And so, nagpaka-immature ako, hehe. Was the vulnerable one sometimes. I had to be reminded once in a while what my role is... but those reminders fell into deaf ears. Sorry!

I'm called in 3 different ways sa office -- Ma'am Ghia, Ms. Ghia, Ate Ghia. (Actually, may tumatawag din sa kin ng Ghia lang or Geek, pero masisira ang point ko kung isasama ko mga yan, hehe.)

Ma'am Ghia -- as the leader of the team, I should be able to direct our team towards our goal. Professional ang dating.

Ms. Ghia -- During gradeschool and highschool, we'd call our teachers Miss. So this should be me, playing the role of a teacher. I should be able to teach what I know and share my experiences so that others may learn. Mentor role naman.

Ate Ghia -- I should be someone they could look up to. I should be someone they could share things and thoughts with. I should be the listener. Outside work, officemates are something to someone else -- daughter/son, bestfriend, boyfriend/girlfriend, sister/brother, etc... I should be able to acknowledge that.

I better live up to those names. I've had a good start though. My first overnight in the office this year was spent with listening to Andrew's anxieties. Hehe. Rose also has finally started sharing her concerns about work. I've also started opening up about non-work related matters to others as well.

I'm trying to be better... I hope I can learn fast for everyone's sake.

My Utmost For The Most High

It has been ten years since I and 97 others graduated from highschool. The batch's motto was "My Utmost For The Most High". This was actually derived from a daily devotional book with the title "My Utmost For His Highest". But the nuns at our school had grammatical issues with it, and so we changed it appropriately.

I was part of the committee incharge of creating the batch song. I don't actually remember if I did contribute at least a line or two and a few notes and chords. But full credit is given to Pia and Chinggay for the music and lyrics. I did play the guitar while the batch sang our song on graduation day, though.

Here's the song:

Lord, look upon me
Embrace me with Your love
Grant that people see
That You are in me, beside me

Lord, I am Your handmaid
Your words are in my heart
You have called me by my name
How can I turn away, turn away

Chorus:
So I offer You my life
All the treasured things my heart can hold
I hand to You
So guide me through Your way
Let me walk the path that leads to You
Leaving all behind
My gift to You will be the very best of me
My days will be a witness to Your love
My utmost for the Father who uplifts me
My everything I give for the Most High

Take my thanksgiving
For all that You have been
My strength, my light, my friend
From life's wounds, You've healed me

I fear not what will be
As I bid farewell to friends
As I travel my own road
Knowing I have You with me

I remember while I was playing the guitar, midway through the song, I was already crying. I can't seem to imagine that I'd be parting with people I spent 11 years with, with friends I practically grew up with.

As I look at my life now, I still would like to believe that I have been living my life the way I dreamt of living it, the way 98 of us sang it - that is, being a witness to God's love - though I know that my life is not as perfect as His love for me is.

For those who know me and what I went through, this was how I learned to live again. And this is what I live for now.

And while I'm on reminiscing still, here are some pictures from highschool.





Left to Right:
Picture 1 - First year, summer with Mia, Donna, and Chermaine (not in picture) at Aling Pining's in Sikatuna, Quezon City
Picture 2 - Third year, manning our booth with Katre, Mia, and Donna during our School Fair
Picture 3 - Third year, breaktime during our last Retreat in Antipolo
Picture 4 - Fourth year, highschool barkada after CAT